April 19, 2020

Conductor's Leave

I've forgotten vigilance. I am too tired
to keep watch over all the unseen threats;
there are too many visible threats
to count, and that's not counting all the
normal, daily tasks – the dishes, the meals,
the laundry, the cleaning – that threaten
to throw me overboard if not tended.
I'd have a full-blown mutiny on my hands.

So I tend to them, but mostly by virtue
of momentum and not vigilantly or with
vigor. I am too tired for all that. Perhaps
I should rest a little. Perhaps I should prop
myself up, perhaps against a shade tree,
and give myself permission to succumb
to a little sleep. Perhaps that is a
necessary step on the road to freedom.

Perhaps I should, in fact, plan for it,
take it as given that rest is required on a
journey of this sort, where lives are at
stake, yes, but where you measure your
progress toward liberation in weeks
and months – or perhaps decades or
generations – and not in minutes or hours.
Perhaps a kind of Sabbath is in order.

That would indeed take some planning,
some elaborate contingency scheming,
to account for any sudden, undeniable urge
to stop –  which will be inevitable, mind you –
without risking the success of the whole
enterprise. We're in this for the long haul,
I remind myself, so take the rest you need
when you need it. Permission granted.